NUSWhispers – Confession #46293

Ben Leong here again. Real one. This would be my second (and likely last -- because posting and responding really waste time) post at NUSWhispers. What I want to say is that my previous post ( #46018) was actually kind of ridiculous. One of the commenters also said it well, "for love of God, it's only a meal. Why so complicated?" I also say. So why a ridiculous 800-word post when all I wanted to tell the boys was simply: "When dating, it's chivalrous and gentlemanly to pay for the meals". The reason is that I was *not* allowed to say that, believe it or not. To say something like that would be tantamount to propagating *harmful* and *negative* gender roles and stereotypes. I was accused on being a dinosaur and out of touch with the current dating scene? I was accused of generalizing. I was accused of not knowing how all women think (which is certainly true. Yes, and thank you for realizing that men are not mind readers.) Fair statements at some level, so I write a 800-word essay arguing for the position of paying for meals logically. :-) I must have treat hundreds of people of all genders, all races, or all creed and colour to lunch. I do it very graciously. Where got so complicated one? I am just generous, period. But I sort of had to embellish some details to tell a good story. :-) The one thing that is true for sure is that my wife is an attractive woman and had a lot of suitors in her youth, and I am v grateful she tolerates me and decided to marry me. :-) Yes, I am damn one kind, but I am not that some kind of stupid to want to pick a fight with the feminist movement. I think the feminist movement has lofty and good ideals. I appreciate the cause that these feminists are fighting for. We love our mothers, our sisters and our daughters. We want equal access to education and jobs for them. We want equal pay for the same work. All fine and good. I have 2 daughters. When they grow up, i would like them to be able to earn their keep and become strong and independent women. I would like them to be able to afford to pay for their own meals. That said, when a boy complains about the gf complaining that she feels insecure because the boy is not offering to pay for meals, this old fart wants to be able to tell the boy that that's how it sometimes is. Some girls need these little acts of kindness to feel secure, without being accused of propagating dunno what gender roles and stereotypes. You cannot be serious. It cannot be right for me to be forced to write a 800-word essay to make this one silly point. Is that too much to ask for? Nobody needs to agree with what I say, but I resent being told what I can or cannot say as prof. I am a tenured prof. Let it be very clear that I have *earned* my right to say what I want to say and nobody is going to be telling me what I should or should not be saying. Also, just because I say, doesn't mean people have to agree with what I say. I am very open about that. I believe in the contest of ideas. Everyone can go ahead and say their piece and we let people decide. I actually defend the folks who want to call me sexist, but keep in mind that I reserve the right to respond in kind. I surmise that the reason why I infuriate those-who-cannot-be-named (because it apparently rude and inappropriate to call them femi-nazis) is that I am persuasive. To make it more fair, allow me to share with them something about persuasion. You don't go and tell people what they should do or should not do. Why should they listen to you? You tell them WHY they *might* want to do something and leave them to decide. I also have a slightly different take on feminism. Instead of telling the girls that they ought to pay for meals to be equal. I believe that it is about choice. My position is that they can decide if they want to pay for meals -- but if the boy offers, they can also v well decide to accept. Someone suggested that accepting the meal means that the girl also has to consent to sex when asked?? This social norm I dunno come from where one. Perhaps I am really outdated, but do not make up ridiculous analogies to argue a point. It is *not* persuasive. The fact that it is generally advantageous for the men to pay for meals is not incongruous with the choice of the females to decide if they want pay. The last thing about persuasion is -- do you actually care? When I advised this boy that some girls need a sense of security with little acts like paying for meals, I am trying to help(!). Boy is clueless and I would like him to have a better relationship. By telling him that the women should be liberated today and be paying for their own meals, how does it *help* him? Telling him that he should break up with the girl?? You kidding me? Are people trying to advance their dunno what gender roles agenda or help the poor boy? At whose expense? The last thing I want to say is that I am gratified by these fine young ladies who spoke up for what they believed about this issue. While anonymity is the norm here at NUSWhispers, I think that it's laudable for our young people to be willing to speak up for what they believe in their own names. I have invited a group of these young idealistic feminists to lunch for them to educate this prof. Clearly, the prof is a little wanting on his understanding of the psychology of this one group of females and he's quite keen to learn more. And no, there is not risk of him taking up an Adjunct appointment in the Sociology Department, not to worry. And in case people are wondering, I did offered the ladies the option to pay for lunch and let *them* decide. I'm also just being generous. Not trying to impress them with my "alphaness". hahaha. :-) Lunch with a group of young feminists is probably one of the scariest things that this old fart has done in a while. While I am at it, anyone has body armour I can borrow? :-) Kidding. :-P To the many people who privately messaged me to offer support, thank you. I am pleased to report that my mental health seems to be holding out. No permanent emotional trauma sustained (I hope). And to those who thanked me for the public entertainment for an otherwise slow and boring week, you're welcome! On this note, allow me to wish all students and friends a very Happy and Prosperous CNY. - Resident prof of NUSWhispers, signing off. Peace.